Never the time and the place

2003-03-13T21:56:00.000-06:00

Where did my comments go!!! Not that you can comment on that or anything. grrrr

2003-03-13T21:35:00.000-06:00

So I tried to be cool and for once figure out this html stuff but I done fucked it up! Unfortunately I have no clue how to fix it and although I like the new colors and the new template everything else is crap. Wendi cant fix it for me anymore so it looks like I am going to either have to get help or figure it out on my own. In any case please be patient while I try to figure this mess out!

2003-03-13T18:11:00.000-06:00

The expected bad news actually turned out to be good news so I am happy:)

2003-03-13T10:33:00.000-06:00

After coming home late last night and falling asleep, I was woken suddenly by the most deafening clap of thunder I had ever heard. It was followed by a spectacular flash of lightning that illuminated my entire room. I was entirely too happy. Although I really could have used some sleep after spending 7 nights on a couch, it isnt everday you get to experience a storm like that. So I crawled out of bed and opened my window, sat on the chair next to my window with a blanket around me and watched wide eyed. I am not sure what it is about storms but they enthrall and captivate me. They are exciting and powerful and unpredictable. I think they are such a rare event in california that I feel like I have to enjoy this while I still can and while I still live here. I am very happy too that storms like this indicate that spring is coming. I know some of you out there experience spring like weather 365 days of the year but not me! Not this year anyway. As soon as the water in my flooded parking lot subsides I need to go to circuit city and get a new power cord for my laptop, for some reason it just decided to stop working. I hope its not too expensive. Have a good day everyone!

2003-03-11T16:21:00.000-06:00

My current favorite things are: iced tea(long time favorite, borderline obsessive about it), warm sunny weather(I truly appreciate the sun and warmth after having lived in a cold climate) and running. I feel so much more clear of mind and I feel proud of what I have been able to do. I am still training for the mini marathon but I think I will go on after that and do a full marathon next. I remember being in high school and having to run the mile for PE testing and thinking that was such a long distance and I was even an athlete. Well now I breeze through 6 without a problem and run about an hour to an hour and fifteen minutes a day which comes out to about 35 miles a week. Running gives you a lot of time to think about what is going on in your life and think about where you want to be headed. It also makes me feel like I want to live a healthier life. I quit smoking, I rarely drink(you know when I am not in New Orleans and all) and I crave fruits and veggies more. I also discovered that I am not a night person but much more a morning person. I like waking up early and going for a run or just taking it easy. I am just not as happy going out late and getting drunk. Actually I am not happy at all doing that but unfortunately those are the only types of people I seem to be meeting are into that. I think because I am like that some people think I am boring which is their opinion but sadly those people have a rather trite idea of what is interesting. I always find myself rambling when I come on here to make a short little post. I must have a lot on my mind.

2003-03-09T22:31:00.000-06:00

Well I made it to New Orleans but not to mardi gras. I arrived too late and missed all of the parades. I did get to go to Bourbon last night though and I had a great time. I got beads and my breasts stayed in my shirt and I also met a lot of pretty cool people. I will have pictures once I get back home, if I can figure out how to do that. I am dreading going back because I have so much work to do before this semester is over and its cold there! I also have a feeling that I am going to get bad news when I get back to and I would rather avoid that at the moment. It isnt major bad news but a dissapointment for something I was really looking forward to for a long time. I keep telling myself dont get your hopes up until you are in the moment that it happens. Until then expect it not to happen so you are not disaapointed. That never works though, I get happy in anticipation and then end up having a good cry mingled with thoughts of self doubt until I wake up the next morning and face the new day. Without the sour the sweet just wouldnt be as sweet.

2003-02-23T18:11:00.000-06:00

I am back from my trip and it was very refreshing and just what I needed. I got to fly on a couple of planes which I enjoy with child like excitement. The take off of course is always the best part. Stepping outside when I got to South Carolina was thoroughly enjoyable. It was a lovely 58 degrees and felt almost blanket like to me since the last time I was in weather that warm was probably around Thanksgiving. Now I knew that it would snow when I decided to move to Indiana to go to grad school but what I did not anticipate was the 3rd snowiest winter in history, so far. I, as well as everyone living in Indiana, am pretty sick of snow. After getting home from a long weekend I couldnt even park near my apartment because they havent plowed and the snow is too thick to drive through without getting stuck. At least my car isnt stuck like my roomates though. She cant get out of her parking spot. In any case snow is just a basic pain in the ass and I am suprised and lucky that I havent ended up in a ditch yet. But I digress...
So this weekend the reason I was in south carolina was to help the debate team at Ball State that had a tournament. I think I missed my calling. Debate is so interesting to me. I think I would have done well too if I wasnt too shy in high school and college to even try. Well shy and completely lacking in self esteem. They debate topic was health care and since I really dont know much about health care, it was all very interesting and educational. Something else that I found interesting was the school the tournament took place at. Bob Jones University is a very strongly affiliated religious school. Students cant leave campus unless they have permission, women are required to wear long skirts, men dress in polos and sweatervests with nice slacks, they all eat at the same time in the same place, their bookstore only has christian books that have subjects such as how to understand Muslims so you can convert them to chrisitanity and how the Catholic religion and christianity have the same core beliefs but why the Catholic faith is wrong...the list goes on. I was even made aware that they all wake up at 7 and lights out have to be at 11 and you are not allowed to lay on your bed during the day because of the whole sloth thing. It was a very bizzare experience. When I went to the student center and sat down to observe people I really felt like I was in the movie Plesantville. I could not imagine going to school in such a controlled enviornment. I am also an athiest and ironically brought the book Athiesm: the case against god and I could actually hear the gasps as they walked by and saw me. I wasnt aware of their beliefs until after I got there so I didnt mean to be offensive but I obviously was. (Athiesm:the case against god is a fantastic book if anyone is interested in the subject by the way). I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone but it is always interesting to be around people so different from yourself. In fact I would love to do an ethnographical study at the school and learn more about their students.
I also read a lot and thought a lot about the possible war in Iraq. I really dont believe it is an issue that is as cut and dry as some people think it to be. I honestly see the points to both sides and I feel that a lot of people who are going to these anti war protests dont really know what they are talking about and are just going with the flow. I dont really like Bush all that much but I dont think thats a good enough reason to say we shouldnt go to war. I also dont like the idea of going to war, it scares me a lot. Unfortunately whenever I really ask anyone who is against the war why that it is, I never get a good answer. Sadaam Hussien is a terrible tyrant of a leader and has some done some very horrific things. However anyone feels though, it seems inevitable that war will take place. (I dont think I could possibly still be holding your attention right now with the enormity of this blog so I will be going now, bye bye)

2003-02-19T19:06:00.000-06:00

I am heading off to Greenville, South Carolina tomorrow morning. I am kind of excited about it. I always enjoy little mini vacations, especially when they are completely paid for. I may be most excited to be in 60 degree weather again. It has been months since I have felt weather that warm. It is quite depressing, I think I understand winter blues now. I still have to pack and I really hate packing. I never know what to bring and I am always afraid I will forget something. I also like to be prepared which means I usually want to bring more than I should, just in case. Then I feel too girly and high maintanence. Oh well, there are bigger tragedies in life:) Have a great weekend my minions;)

2003-02-17T12:54:00.000-06:00

Well it's Monday morning. As I was getting up to get ready to go to school and give my students a midterm I learned that they closed school for today due to the weather. This is my very first snow day. I have to say it is kind of nice, except now I am behind in my classes. I just wished that I had been able to go grocery shopping yesterday so I could have some food. I am not sure if they still deliver pizza when the weather is like this. I was able to finally get some laundry done though. I am telling you the number one luxary I wish I had inside my apartment would be a washer and dryer. I usually wait until I am wearing dirty clothes and have to do 5 loads which is what I did today. Maybe I should just quit procrastinating. Naw, that will take an entire life change:) Oh and I was wondering if anyone has ever been to Portland, Oregon and what they thought about it? As school winds down I am looking for a new place to move and Portland is one of my choices. I am also thinking of Seattle and New Orleans but I am thinking I would rather be on the west coast to be closer to my family. I may even convnice my sister to move with me! Anyway any info on any of those places would be much appreciated. I hope you all enjoy your sunny days!

2003-02-15T09:27:00.000-06:00

Anyone who knows me will know that I inherited from my mom her absolute and undying love of dogs. I have grown up with dogs and there has never been a time in my life that I didnt have one. Unfortunately since I have moved to Indiana and I am a lot farther from my dogs at home and dont see them very often. Because of this I have spent a great deal of time at looking at all of the dogs that need homes. I would love to have a dog of my own right now but unfortunately I would not be able to provide what a dog deserves. I dont have much money to pay for vet bills or food and I feel like I should be settled in one place instead of dragging a dog around with me everytime that I move. Looking at all of these dogs that need homes make me sad though. I know that eventually some of those dogs will be destroyed if no one adopts them or even abused by owners. Once I am more established and making a reasonable income I would love to buy a house with a huge yard and adopt a few dogs and give them a nice home. Possibly even start my own no-kill shelter. I would also like to start a program that would train the dogs to go around to sick people or elderly people, or train them for some civic duty. I also saw a program that matched dogs up to high school students. The high school students would help train the dogs one day a week which will help make the dogs more adoptable, gives them excise and the high school students learn a lot too and form close bonds with the dogs. I dont know what it is about dogs that I love so much, I dont feel as strongly about any other animal, but they will definitely be part of my life. I just hope I dont turn into a creepy dog person!;)

2003-02-14T15:26:00.000-06:00

Happy Valentines Day all! Although I have never had an official "valentine" or a date on Valentines Day I like this holiday because I have so wonderful people in my life to love. The men and women who sit at home on Valentines Day depressed and feeling sorry for themselves are wasting their evening. Of course it would be great to have a significant other in your life that loves you and that you love, but I am an extremely fortunate person to have friends and family that I love and that love me. Perhaps it is a hallmark holiday, but if there is a day during the year to take the time and think about the love in your love, appreciate it and be grateful for it then I dont think its a bad thing. Of course everyday you should be able to do that but the fact is thats not usually the case. If it is for you thats fabulous and lucky you! To all of you who have dates I hope you have a great time tonight. To those of you who dont, like myself, then take the time to call an old friend or think about those in your life that mean a lot to you and that you love. I am going to a friends place to watch a movie and eat pizza and be happy with who I am. Cheers!

2003-02-11T14:44:00.000-06:00

I am feeling much better today too. I was finally able to go run after taking 4 days off, yikes! Practically coughed up a lung but you would be suprised how easy it is to stuff those things back in:)

2003-02-11T14:42:00.000-06:00

I admit that I am somewhat obsessive with email and check my mail multiple times a day. Now I understand that most people probably dont feel the same way and thats fine, but I get annoyed and frustrated with people who take a week to email me back. Crazy! Crazy! Crazy! I think it has something to do with the fact that I am not a phone person and generally only like to talk on the phone breifly when there is a specific purpose. Because I dont communicate that way I rely on email to communicate with people I dont see daily. I hate expecting an email and waiting and waiting and waiting. Maybe I am just impatient and need to work on that. hmm yeah thats probably it. Or I need to get better with the phone...Gotta go, the watched pot never boils!

2003-02-10T19:51:00.000-06:00

Well I havent been updating recently because I have been sick. Dont ever utter the words "I havent been sick in awhile". In any case the health center said I have bronchitis but I am not so sure. I havent been wanting to do anything but sleep lately. I cant seem to get any amount of energy. I am talking more than one nap a day. I hope I dont have mono but I have already had mono so I didnt think I could get it twice. Of course I could prove to be a medical freak and be the first person in history to get it twice, stranger things have happened. I am just going to have to deal with it. Hope everyone else is doing well. Have a nice week. (22 days!)

2003-02-03T12:23:00.000-06:00

It is going to be a beautiful 57 degrees today and I have never been happier to hit 57. Normally I wouldnt consider that very warm but now its almost hot to me. I have forgotten how nice warm weather feels. It makes it much easier to wake up in the morning and setp outside. I also just bought my ticket to go to New Orleans. I will be arriving on Fat Tuesday so I should have a very interesting time. I am very excited to see my friend Mandy again too. We are friends from high school and although I see her from time to time it has been over a year since I last saw her. I went to New Orleans to see her for spring break 1 or 2 year ago and had a good time so I anticipate it will be the same this year. Mandy is one of the sweetest and funniest people that I know. I am starting the countdown now! 29 days, woo hoo!

2003-01-31T16:40:00.000-06:00

Yay, its Friday again. Although sometimes the weeks feel like the go by slowly, this semester is actually moving along quite well. I am a little concerned with the fact that they are completely changing the program next year which means those of use who came in last year and arent done yet get the short end of the stick. The two classes that I have left are only going to be offered in the spring which is unfortunate since I am graduating in the fall. The director is being very accomodating and letting us subsitute classes but the one class I have been really looking forward to taking and is absolutely invaluable in terms of experience I wont be taking anymore. I am hoping to work some independent study thing out so I can still do it. I am also nervous about the job market once I graduate. I absolutely do not like job hunting and interveiwing and that whole process. I guess no one does really. I am just nervous I wont be able to find anything after getting my masters. I dont want this to be a waste of time and money. I will just have to think positively and something will eventually work out. I have noticed lately how important it is to be positive. I have a friend here that I respect and think is very intelligent but everything that comes out of her mouth is negative or a complaint. It makes me now want to be around her as much. Then again, super positive people can get annoying too. I guess there just has to be a balance like everything else in life. Have a good weekend.

2003-01-27T18:11:00.000-06:00

Today was an excellent day. I woke up this morning for class and when checking my email recieved one from my friend Randy who told me that he is going to come visit me for spring break at the end of March. This is the first time anyone from back home is going to come visit and Randy is an amazing guy, I cant wait to see him again. I also made plans last night to go to New Orleans for my spring break and I will be there for the last night of mardi gras. That should be an interesting experience, at least one I wont soon forget. I also love the city. I am thinking about moving there afet I graduate but I havent decided on anything yet. I am also going to go to Chicago for a few days at the end of break. I am so excited to have all of these new experiences and see these new places while I am out here. I am really very lucky to be able to travel as much as I have. Now I have to go work on a presentation so have a great night and a good week.

2003-01-23T22:52:00.000-06:00

I have been incredibly busy lately so I havent had time to post. School is begining to pick up again, I have a huge semester long consulting project to do for a company called WorkOne here that is really going to kick my ass but look really good on my resume. Since I have no substance on my resume anyway, it will be a good experience for me. I am also still training for the mini marathon. I really like how much stress I release through running. I look forward to running now and I have quit smoking which makes it easier(duh). I never considered myself a smoker until I moved here and that needs to change before I really get addicted. Have a great weekend!

2003-01-16T10:55:00.000-06:00

So I came across this article on CNN.com and I thought I would share the hilarity: A double-sided sign stands outside Pure Pleasure in view of people entering and leaving Midwest Baptist Church. People driving toward the church, read: "And God said go out into the world and have great sex. God's gift to women. Amen and amen." People leaving see: "No need to mail order. Gay videos in stock. Clergy discount. Have good sex. Hallelujah!" This sign shows me that he's not only thumbing his nose at the laws of the township, he's thumbing his nose at the laws of God," said the Rev. Joseph Grimaldi, who heads the church. "I just hope I'm not too close when the lightning strikes."

2003-01-15T18:11:00.000-06:00

I am very happy with the fact that my mom and I have an increasingly better relationship. I have always had a good relationship with both my parents but I dont see her exclusively as my mom anymore. She has become a good friend and although this means there has to be an adjustment on both our parts in regards to our relationship, its a very welcome adjustment. I used to never talk to my mom and boys or sex or anything that falls within that realm but I find myself now wanting to talk to her about it. Sometimes she is the first person that comes to mind when something happens to me in life or love. I think moms should be your ultimate best friend though. No other friend has given birth to you or sacrificed their happiness for you as much as your mother has. I think what I feel from my mom is that she is genuinely happy for me. I have friends that are genuinely happy for me as well, but they will never be in the position to sacrifice so much for me. Sometimes I am reminded of the fact that my mom will die someday and the thought of that devestates me. It will probably be the most devestating moment in my life. I wouldnt say I love my dad and less than my mom but the relationship is just different. I am humbled by the greatness of her.

2003-01-12T21:40:00.000-06:00

Why do the weekends go by so quickly and even though I think I have all the time in the world I never seem to get much done? I think the busier I am the more I actually accomplish. I did see Chicago today and I thought it was a really good movie. It was only playing in one theater in all of Indiana and it was about 45 minutes away but I think it was worth it. I also found out that all the hot guys in Indiana are gay, or at least go to gay bars. Its very frustrating, but wonderful eye candy. Have a good week, will hopefully have some funny stories later this week:)

2003-01-10T15:23:00.000-06:00

It is a cold day today. It is really windy and around 20 degrees with occasional snow flurries. I would have stayed in bed all day today if I could have but I have decided to run a mini marathon in May so I needed to get my ass out of bed and run. My best friend actually ran the AIDS marathon in Hawaii in December and she really inspired me. I didnt actually think that she was going to go through with it when she originally told me that she wanted to do it but she proved me wrong and I am so proud that she did this. She ended up raising 3,000 dollars for AIDS research. So if Melissa can do it, so can I. I really enjoy a challenge and it would be a big challenge to eventually do a full marathon. I am going to start with a mini marathon first which is 13.1 miles I believe. If I can do that and I like it, I will keep training for the full marathon. If I end up not liking it then I will just stop at the mini. There is no reason to go on if I dont get something positive out of it. I am excited though, I think it will be a good experience for me. Wow its really snowing now, I think I am going to go sit by the window and read. Have a great weekend.

2003-01-07T10:58:00.000-06:00

So I started teaching today and since it was the first class we did introductions. Well I think I may have the hillbiliest students in the state of Indiana. To name just a few one student stood up and said that he was born with a webbed hand and you can still kind of see where it is webbed that the surgery didnt take care of. After that a girl got up and said that she was invited to go on Jenny Jones and Jerry Springer. I didnt ask why because I was scared to hear the answer. Other then that I had a lot of students say they were from a really small towns with graduating classes smaller than 80 students. I think of it this way, maybe I have an opportunity to expand some minds and get them to think in a different way. I will probably learn something from them too. I always like the begining of the semester, its fun to start to get to know new people.

2003-01-05T19:44:00.000-06:00

Flew home from California yesterday, here is a run down of what happened:
Woke up at 4 am
got to the airport and my bag had split wide open
lost my keys
baggage attendent tapes up bag rather poorly
missed 2nd connection because airline didnt schedule enough time to even be able to make that connection
was on stand by at a different flight, didnt get it
finally got on a flight but couldnt get a hold of the person that was supposed to pick me up
got someone else to pick me up
finally arrived much later than expected
my luggage was there and intact (yay!)
had to drive home in the snow
got stuck in traffic at midnight for about 45 minutes because there was a bad accident
got home, got high, went to bed, day was over

eventful and unexpected yes but I made it ok, still looking for the keys... School starts back up tomorrow. I only have a year left and I will be done with school completely:)

2003-01-03T22:43:00.000-06:00

Well its Friday night and tomorrow morning I go back to school to start up another semester. I am looking forward to getting started again and to see my friends there but I am also sad to be leaving my friends and family here. I thoroughly enjoyed my 3 weeks at home, seeing everyone and just being able to sleep in my bed. I feel torn between wanting to go back and wanting to stay. I feel like I learned a lot in my three weeks here. I realized how special and important my good friends are to me. I missed laughing with them and being goofy. I feel like around them I can thoroughly relax and be myself. To have a relationship like that is one that take a long time for me to develop and I havent gotten to that point with anyone in Indiana yet. The type of relationship where you can tell my just looking at a person if there is something wrong.

I also spent a lot of time with a good friend of mine that has developed into something more. It is very frustrating to not be able to see where it could go and it makes me sad that I wont see him for awhile but I have also taken something very important from our time together. First I learned how it feels to have someone care about you and to have someone appreciate you. We made a connection that I really dont think I have ever had on that level before. I cant predict the future with us but whatever happens he has lessened my bitterness and made me happier. I also learned a lot about getting angry. I have never seen him angry in the 2 1/2 years I have known him. When I asked him when the last time he was angry he said that it was when he found out he had a larynx problem a year ago that affects his singing. I found it hard to believe that he hadnt been angry in a year but after I thought of it it makes sense. I thought at first, does this make him a push over. Well no he isnt. What it makes me believe is that he does not care enough about what other people think of him and what other people do to waste his energy to get angry over it. I find that a very appeaing quality in him and one I would like to see more in myself. I enjoy being around happy positive people and he is one of those people.

So off I go to Indiana with my new found knowledge and a bit of a new perspective on life. I hope that this year is full of these new perceptions and new experiences that make me the person I am. No matter if the experience is good or bad I can always learn and take something from it.

2003-01-01T19:05:00.000-06:00

I am in a fabulous mood right now. I have let go of everything that I have no control over and decided that all of those things are not going to bring me down. It is a very empowering feeling. I also spent the afternoon with my Gramps which was nice. I always go over to his house every winter and climb the orange tree so I can pick off all the oranges that he cant reach on the top. Then we sat on his lawn in lawn chairs and shelled pecans for an hour and just talked. I love my Gramps, he is hilarious. Tonight I am going to the basketball game with my family and there is spaghetti waiting for me on the table:) I hope you are all having a great day too, dont let things out of your control to get you down and for smile!

2003-01-01T13:19:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year everyone. I am not good at being all nostoligic about the past so I just hope that 2003 is a great year for everyone and you attain all that you want. I go back to Indiana soon and I am unsure how I feel about that. Oh well, cheers!

2002-12-30T14:50:00.000-06:00

Ok so I literally just spent about 15 minutes posting and the puppies ran in and hit something on the keyboard and erased the whole damn thing. They are really adorable but grrrrrr! So lets try this again...
I have the worst luck and timing. It seems ineveitable that when one part of my life is good another is really crappy. I have greatly enjoyed the freedom and experiences that I have had in the past few years and being able to move and live in new places. Along with that though I havent been able to have a relationship. Whenever I find someone who has any amount of possibility and that I start to have feelings for I will be moving soon or he will live far away from me or something like that will get in the way of any possibility of a relationship. Since I have been back in Fresno for the holidays I have started spending time with this guy I have known for about 3 years. I met him right before I moved to Long Beach but nothing ever happened although I wanted it to. Since I was leaving soon we decided not to start up anything physical. Since then we have kept in contact and stayed good friends. Since we have been hanging out again I have had so much fun and it has been really nice. I feel like I have changed a lot since I originally met him and he has changed too. I was very inexperienced and timid and had I lot less self confidence when I first met him. I think because we have both changed we get along better, we understand each other more. We spent a long time discussing our religious views and our beliefs and when I asked what he liked about me all he said was "I like the way you think". I think I have always felt in the back of my mind that guys like me but it is more on a sexual way and could take me or leave me but are indifferent to who I am as a person. We have a sexual relationship as well but this is honestly the first time that sex hasnt felt like its something that is kind of dirty. He doesnt treat me like a sexual object and I have never really felt that way. I am just so incredibly frustrated because I leave on Saturday and I have no idea when I will be back. People meet and start relationships with people all the time and even if I do come back there is no guarantee he wont be seeing someone else. I cant wait to see him again but I also dont want to see him again because it will probably be the last time I see him which makes me sad. I guess in some ways I feel fortunate that I get to feel this way even for a short time but now I know what I am missing...

2002-12-27T19:06:00.000-06:00

I am having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day. I am just in a really bad mood for some reason. I think its because I am PMSing right now and I have been going on and off the pill lately which is messing with my system and hormones. I was out shopping with some Christmas money that I got and while out shopping discovered that I hate people. They are all obnoxious, pushy and rude. That trip probably didnt help my crappy mood at all. The whole time I was shopping I just wanted to cry and was half expecting to do it. I also kept comparing myself to everyone. So then I started feeling fat and ugly and lonely which made me want to cry even more. And then I started thinking that everyone here was happy except me. It was a very isolated feeling. Every once in awhile I will start to feel like this but I reason with myself that I am being dumb and usually it will go away rather quickly. When I am PMSing though it usually takes a few days for the depression to go away and no amount of reasoning makes me feel any better. I just want to lay in bed and have someone hold me and kiss me on the forehead and tell me I am ok. God I hate being a woman. The only thing really keeping me sane right now are my puppies because they always love you no matter what. They are so sweet.
I just had to get that off my chest.

2002-12-26T01:31:00.000-06:00

I hope everyone got what they wanted for Christmas and if you didnt I hope you get it in the upcoming year. I am always a little sad when Christmas is over because it seems like it goes by so quickly. The feeling doesnt last long though because the new year motivates me to be a better person and I am excited at all the possibilities that are before me. Although every year I am full of hope, when the year is over I am a little dissapointed that I didnt get what I wanted. I always believe though that your life can change in an instant and I will keep on going until I get what I need. Smile, you are still alive:)

2002-12-24T19:30:00.000-06:00

I remember how excited I was as a little kid on Christmas Eve. I always went to bed as early as possible so morning would come earlier. Of course that would mean I would wake up at 5 in the morning much to the shagrin of my parents. As the years went by gradually slept in longer and longer and got less and less excited. Looking back though I have so many happy memories because I was and still am a very fortunate person.
Now I dont get all sappy when Christmas time rolls around, I hate christmas songs with a passion, but I am more content and happy with my life when I think about all that I have.
On a side note I also did shots of peppermint shnapps with me mum last night.
Cheers!

2002-12-23T16:12:00.000-06:00

Greetings everyone! I am back home and currently without an internet connection which is why I have been missing in action. I will hopefully take care of the non internet problem shortly and be back to catch up with all of you. I am going crazy not being able to get online. Happy Holidays to you all and I hope to talk to you soon!

2002-12-13T10:24:00.000-06:00

I am queasy and starving at the same time. Its quite the no win situation. Oh well, now I have to go spread some holiday cheer!

2002-12-12T00:45:00.000-06:00

Also, I think I want to learn French. I like the way it sounds.

2002-12-12T00:42:00.000-06:00

I think that procrastination is an asset for a person to have, especially if they want to be successful. The way I see it, if you are in a fast paced work enviornment you need to be able to handle pressure, get things done quickly and still do a good job. Well I procrastinate on every paper and usually end up writing them the day they are due or the night before. I get good grades on my papers. Therefore this proves that I can handle a high stress enviornment, get work done on a deadline and still do a good job. Think this would work at an interveiw? Maybe if I were trying to be a lawyer.

Today was great!

2002-12-11T13:34:00.000-06:00

Well I havent been able to think of a damn thing to post lately. I have been pretty busy with finals this week and papers last week but as of 9:10 tonight I will officially be done with fall 2002. My final tonight will be interesting, we have to answer 5 questions for a total of at least 10 pages in 2 and a half hours. Go speedy typing fingers go. !A drink or a glass of wine will be neccesary directly after. Wish me luck!

2002-12-03T17:09:00.000-06:00

Zippers and I do not get along well. I am switching to velcro and buttons and maybe toggles.

2002-12-02T20:31:00.000-06:00

I just took a walk outside because the news said it was 13 degrees with wind chill which would be the coldest weather I had ever experienced. So I got my jacket and hat on but forgot the gloves. I walked around and thought yeah this is cold but not as bad as I expected until my hands started burning. That got me thinking that you could probably die of exposure in weather like this. As my hands began to hurt more I started squeezing them together really tightly into fists which eleviated some of the pain I was feeling. It got me thinking that if I were to die of exposure, my hands would probably freeze like that, in really tight fists. I wonder if they were to find me dead and frozen with fists if they would think I was really angry when I died because fists denote anger. It made me sad because I wouldnt want my family to think that I died angry, freezing to death would be bad enough but I wouldnt them to additionally think that I was angry too. So if I ever know that I am going to die of exposure, I will be sure to keep my hands relaxed.

2002-12-02T19:33:00.000-06:00

DISCLAIMER:The story I am about to tell is disgusting, horrible and just plain wrong. You will probably be greatly disturbed after reading this and if you are faint of heart, please stop reading now...

So its Monday night and although I should be writing a paper I am distracted by the tv in front of me. I was casually flipping through the stations and that life in the ER show was on. I normally dont subject myself to watching this, but I got distracted and left it there. Well the most painfully unbelievable story I have ever seen came on. A man was on an 8 foot ladder when he lost his balance and fell, into a tree. Well it seems that god must have been watching over him because a branch went straight up his ass to the point where he was stuck in this tree and couldnt get down. Let me explain how bad this injury was. They wheel him into the ER (not blurring his face at all, poor guy) with a big branch sticking out of his ass. He is still conscious and in obvious incredible pain. Well they take him to the emergency room and saw off the branch that is sticking out and then perform surgery to get the rest of the branch out. Well turns out they were afraid that the branch was dangerously close to his heart. All the way up to his freakin heart!! Well they eventually get the rest of the branch out and it ended up being about 4 feet of branch that was up inside him! And it missed all major organs and he recovered. Unbelievable, if you could have seen the width of this branch you would be amazed and astounded. Black guys would be jealous of the width if this thing. All I can say is that I will never ever complain about my life and if I do, remind me of the guy with the stick up his ass and I will say no more.

2002-12-02T15:00:00.000-06:00

yeah I dont know what got into me with that last entry. Do you see what lack of sex will do to a girl, makes them overly sentimental and lame. My apologies.

2002-12-01T20:07:00.000-06:00

This is the date I want to go on now:
He picks me up at my apartment(no I dont want to meet him there or pick him up myself)
We go ice skating outside and neither of us are very good so we fall a lot and laugh even more at our clumbsiness
Afterwards we drink some hot chocolate to warm up, with marshmellows of course
Then we go get a drink at a really dark bar with live jazz music and grab a bite to eat
While we are there we snuggle up at the booth and smooch a little until it is late and we both are a little sleepy
Then he takes me back to my place, we kiss for a little while at the doorstep, both of us wanting more but knowing that delaying that for as long as possible makes the moment even better...he says he will call me(and he does!) and we say goodnight

Am I not being realistic anymore? Is this an unattainable fantasy I have concocted in my mind? I dont think that I am a very demanding girl, what I want is pretty simple. If I could get a date right now, thats what I would like to do. Any takers? kidding, kidding:)

2002-11-30T16:42:00.000-06:00

I am glad to be back here in Indiana where my job and school are, but I am getting really antsy to be moving on. I just cant seem to get completely happy and content in one place. Maybe I am looking for something that I havent been able to find yet, but I havent had that "I'm home" feeling and even when I go to my real home in Fresno, its feeling less and less like mine. I know thats not where my life is. I still have another year here in Indiana before I finish school and then I can move wherever I want to. I just have to decide where I want to go. I have several cities in mind, I have to be at least near a larger city because of the nature of my career but where I move will largely depend on where I can find a job. I am thinking about New Orleans, Portland, Seattle, Boston, San Francisco, Chicago, DC, among others. It is kind of exciting to be able to go to any one of these places. Moving here alone without knowing anyone has shown me that I can go anywhere and has given me confidence. The only thing I think I need to work on though is opening up to people. I am really quiet and private and I have trouble just being close to new people. I think it prevents me from forming new relationships and makes me seem stand offish. I honestly havent a clue about what people who dont know me think about me, but what I do know is that no one new has ever approached me so if I want something to happen I have to make it happen myself. Its just hard to go against your personality. I am content, I just rely too heavily on the future.

2002-11-29T21:32:00.000-06:00

Here are the pups! I think we changed their names to Sambo(the black one) and Ginger(the blonde) They are the sweetest and I already miss them.

2002-11-29T21:24:00.000-06:00

I just got back from California to see my family and although I had a good time, its nice to be back again. I like the independence I feel here but my bed at home is amazing. My mattress on the floor here just isnt the same. I will try to post a picture of my puppies as soon as I can if Wendi doesnt mind helping my inept ass. So is anyone else annoyed with the new Gap commercials yet? I just dont need to hear models singing annoying songs in cute hats while they dance around. They probably arent even singing. As you can see I am jumping around here with this post but I just cant seem to focus because I was up at 4:30 this morning so I could catch my plane. I think I will go get some sleep now. Goodnight kids.

2002-11-21T14:56:00.000-06:00

I am going home tomorrow so I will be signing off for a week if anyone cares at all. Have a good weekend and Happy Thanksgiving!

2002-11-18T17:41:00.000-06:00

I got my suprise in the mail today from my mom and I reeeeaaly cant wait to go home now! My parents added two new members of our family, Curly and Pistol. They are the most adorable puppies! They are brother and sister and their father is a golen retriever and the mom is a black lab mix. The male (Curly) is all black with curly long fur. The female (Pistol) is golenish yellow in color and is fuzzy. I dont know much about them yet because my mom only sent pictures but I am even more excited to go home on Friday now. Not only do I get to see my friends and family and fly in a plane, but I also get to play with two puppies for a week. I also miss my other dog Haley. It is going to be a great week. I wish it were Friday now.

2002-11-18T12:20:00.000-06:00

It was inevtiable that a bad day was coming. This has been a no reason in particular bad day though. I am having a fat day, a bad outfit day and a bad hair day. Blah blah. I am getting my hair cut later though and I am supposed to have a big suprise in the mail from my mom so hopefully the day will pick up soon. In any case its nothing detrimental, I think I am just pmsing. I hate being a woman sometimes.

2002-11-17T11:20:00.000-06:00

So last night I had two dreams that I had cancer and was dying from it. I had throat cancer in one dream which I am not even sure is a form of cancer but I think it is. Anyway apparantly I got it because I smoke. So maybe my subconcious is trying to tell me something. I dont believe in signs or anything so I really dont think that having two dreams about cancer really means anything. Creepy none the less. I remember in my dream that I realized that I was dying and that all my plans and dreams for the future were gone. I never felt scared though. Anyway it was a strange night of dreams. I am going to go to the coffee shop now and read. Have a good afternoon.

2002-11-15T17:27:00.000-06:00

My weekend is getting better and better. It just started snowing here! The reason I am so excited about what appears to be a common occurence is because I have never actually seen it snow. Well once but that was one of those freak things that only lasted about 2 minutes. It is a wet snow but I still acted like a dork and stood outside in it just so I could see it snow and feel it and taste it. I feel like a kid again, this is great! It smells different too. New experiences are everywhere this year:)

2002-11-15T11:01:00.000-06:00

I had a bizzare dream last night. I actually had a really dreamful sleep but this one dream in particular was bizzare and disturbing. I am not sure what the surrounding circumstances were but I was with a bunch of people and we looked over and saw a kitten in a tree. So I went over to go see it and there was about 20 really small teeny tiny kittens that didnt have their eyes open laying on the concrete. I went over to them to go save them and they were alive but covered with these fierce fire ants. I bent down to pick them up and the ants started attacking me and they bit my arm and hand all up and it hurt really badly and my hands went numb so I couldnt pick any of them up to save them. I frantically tried to get someone to help me but no one was interested or wanted to help me out. I just remember being so upset. I think I dreamed about cats because right before I went to sleep I was talking to my roomate and some people that were over about hymalayan cats(??) and how cool they were. Getting stoned before I went to sleep probably didnt help either.
I was reading wendi's blog and she mentioned wanted to be settled down. I am on the opposite end of that. I am enjoying my freedom right now and being able to move to Indiana for 2 years for grad school without a second thought of leaving a guy behind or having a guy be any part of that decision. It was what I wanted to do and I did it. Once I am done here I can also move to any part of the country and not be stuck somewhere because of someone else. Now I also understand that being settled and having someone in your life can be a very conforting thing and something I will hopefully enjoy someday but in ideal circumstances after you met that person you want to marry and settle down with thats it, thats the rest of your life. I am enjoying this while it lasts. I have also noticed that I still have no idea what I even want. I change my mind all of the time and I am continually learning new things about myself. The person I was last year is different from who I am now. I feel much stronger now and more confident. Every year this increases too and with every new experience and I wouldnt trade that for anything.

2002-11-14T14:22:00.000-06:00

I am one happy girl right now. I just turned in my lit review so I have no assignements and classes to attend until December! Its soo nice to have a break for awhile after working so hard. All I have now is grading papers which isnt difficult, just time consuming. I also am going to get to go home soon:)
I had one of my students propse to me today. He is a good guy but I had to turn him down for ethical reasons. Its too bad too, I havent even kissed a guy in 5 months. Oui!

2002-11-13T22:18:00.000-06:00

hmmm I cant really think of anything good to post but I wanted to post something. Oh oh, yesterday I was boiling some water to make hot tea and I look over and there are flames shooting out of the burner. So I run over and pick the tea kettle thing up and the flames are still shooting up even when I turned the burner off. I looked at it for awhile trying to decide what to do and realizing that we didnt have a fire extinguisher. I blew on it until it finally went out but I couldnt figure out what exactly had caught on fire. I took the burner out and there was a puddle of water down there which confused me even more. Weird ass shit.

2002-11-12T19:19:00.000-06:00

I saw a delicious man on the bus today. He was that nerdy but sexy type like Rivers Cuomo from Weezer. I fantisized about him the whole ride home but of course he was completely oblivious to my presence, that was until I got up to get off at my stop. The bus driver is kind of crazy and likes to stop aburptly and jerkily. As soon as I got up she slammed the brakes and I wish I had gone flying but it was worse than that. It was one of those slow motion falls where at first you think you might be able to save it and regain your balance but then you realize you are still going to go down. To make matters worse as I gracefully tripped over my feet I also slammed into the row of seats across from me and hit my hand on the hanging hand rail. No it wasn't graceful, no it wasn't pretty but I thought it was at least funny. I was greeted with complete silence as I stumbled out the door and down the stairs. Maybe people didnt want to be rude and laugh but I would rather be laughed at then have uncomfortable silence. I laughed at myself. Well at least if I see delicious man again there is a better chance he will remember me:)

2002-11-10T19:22:00.000-06:00

As another week begins I am still amazed at how fast time passes you by. Sometimes I wish I could be like that tv show in the late 80's where the girl was half alien and have human and when she put her fingers together she could freeze time and everyone around her. That would be an amzing super power to have. I would never be tired because I would be able to freeze time and take a nap whenever I needed some extra sleep. If there was someone that I wanted to spend more time with, I could freeze time and be alone with that person for as long as I wanted. Of course I would also mess with people as much as possible. Some days I wish time would speed up though. When I wanted a bad thing to pass quickly or if there was something I was really looking forward to. But I think its true that the without the bitter, the sweet isnt as sweet. How could apprciate life as much if it was always perfect? Plus some of the most horrible things in life can really help you develop a great sense of humor. And no matter how bad things seem, there is always someone that has it worse off then you and we can laugh at those people and feel better about ourselves. Thats the true American way. Its not about putting an American flag sticker on your Toyota. Americans are much more then flags, we are selfish assholes that like to make fun of people like Wesley Willis singing about mullets (if you havent heard that song yet download "cut the mullet" its fantastic) and compare ourselves to them so we can think about how much better it is to be us. It can get us through terrible times and should we feel bad about it, hell no! I am American damnit, I am an asshole.

2002-11-08T21:44:00.000-06:00

Just got back from an early night out. I am getting old because I don't like to stay out late, being home by 10:30 is good to me. Anyway 4.50 pitchers of Long Islands is a deal not to pass up. Think I might pass out now...night everyone!

2002-11-08T09:34:00.000-06:00

I was feeling a little like I might be getting sick last night so I took some Nyquil. Holy jesus that stuff is powerful. I felt comatose for a while there. I slept 12 hours and I think I can still feel it in my system since I lack any energy whatsoever. I have a paper to finish and turn in by 5 today so I better get my ass in gear. Also I decided to go home to California for a week during Thanksgiving. Thats definitely giving me something to look forward to which I need to get through all of this work I have to do. I didn't think teaching would take up so much of your time outside of class but it does. Grading papers, preparing for classes...they have 2 papers due next week so I know what I will be doing on the plane ride home. Thankfully I will be done with most of the work in my classes by Thanksgiving so I will be able to relax a little.

I have been getting the feeling from people here that they dont't think I am not as intelligent as they are. Maybe it is just a competitive thing. I have been doing really well in my research class even though I complain a lot about it because it is very difficult. Everytime we get a grade back people as what I get and when I tell them they look confused and annoyed. I think the reason they may not think I am as intelligent as they are is because I don't go around trying to show off how smart I am like some people in the program do. I am by no means super intelligent but I work hard and I am good at figuring out what intructors want from their students. I think I also come off kind of goofy because I joke around a lot and act silly. It is just laughable how serious and competitive some people are. When you think about it, we are all going to get the same degree from the same university so no one should act like they are better then anyone else.

2002-11-07T06:44:00.000-06:00

I have not been able to wake up at all this week. every morning I wake up I feel more tired then the previous morning. Whats strange is that as I am tired throughout the whole day as soon as I come home for the night that tiredness seems to dissapear so I never go to bed early and the whole cycle begins again. Hmmph. I need some caffiene or a nice long nap. Looks like it is going to have to be caffiene because I have to go teach now and I have a paper due at the end of the day I havent started yet. Weekends are beautiful things. I also just found out that I have 10 days off at Thanksgiving with absolutely nothing to do. Any suggestions??

2002-11-05T14:41:00.000-06:00

Its a perfect day today. It is cold and has been raining lightly for several hours. I am also sleepy right now and it looks like a perfect time for a nice nap. zzzzzzz

2002-11-04T20:08:00.000-06:00

Good news kids, I wasn't up all night vomiting:) I actually ended up having a really good night. I had a great talk with my friend chris who basically opened my eyes about certain things in my life. I used to think that the reason why guys have never made an effort to be with me was because I didn't give them a chance. I have been suspicious of guys and have trouble trusting them. I attributed that as a fault of mine but chris pointed out that I should be suspicious of guys and that it was a good trait to have. He said that guys shouldn't be given my trust but should earn it and if they don't make an effort then they don't deserve me. Well damn right! I realized that I don't want to be with a guy who thinks I am smart and pretty and what not. I want a guy who thinks that and knows that they don't want to be without me in their life. Guys may think I am smart, pretty and whatever else but the fact is I have always also been easy to walk away from and I deserve better. Chris has always been a great friend to me and I appreciate that very much. Anyway I finished the night trying yoga for the first time. I never thought I would be into that new age stuff but it relaxed me quite a bit. I will enjoy using that between weight workouts to be more flexable and calm. God knows that I need to de-stress after having to deal with SPSS for 3 hours tonight. I really hate SPSS. If anyone knows anything about that and wants to analyze my survey, I am willing to pay.

2002-11-03T19:58:00.000-06:00

So I think I may have eaten some undercooked chicken. I guess only time will tell. If I wake up at 2 this morning vomiting profously I guess I will have my answer. Have a great night everyone!

2002-11-02T23:09:00.000-06:00

All that I have to say is Taye Diggs is a beautiful beautiful man.

2002-11-02T18:30:00.000-06:00

I am feeling very antsy tonight. I feel like a kid who can't sit still and just keeps squirming around everywhere. I am not sure what is causing this, but I keep feeling like something needs to happen here soon or I may go crazy. I just need something new in my life even though I have only been here for a few months. I guess I just get bored easily, or nothing is interesting enough to hold my attention. Either way sleeping seems to be the best escape for me lately. Anyone have any other suggestions for what I might do?

2002-11-01T20:45:00.000-06:00

There are few things worse then forced interaction with someone that you dont likw. My roomate has invited people over to drink and this one guy drives me nuts. He literally thinks he knows everything. The guy doesnt shut up ever, he is constantly running his mouth. The type that you can tell when you are talking to him he is just waiting for you to be done so he can talk again. Blah, blah, blah. My god it is good I dont have access to a gun right now. I wish I could just be rude and lock myself up in my room but I dont have internet in my room. So I am pretending to grade papers and post grades just so I dont have to sit there and pretend that I care about a word of his nonsense.

2002-10-31T17:11:00.000-06:00

My students have been giving speeches the last 2 weeks and it has ben really interesting to hear some of their topics. Today a student of mine gave a speech on her Father's home country of Africa. I can't remember what part of Africa it was she was talking about, but she gave an amazignly powerful speech. It was the first time I was ever close to crying in a class. She talked about the rebels that would roam the streets kill, torture and decapitate anyone they chose. This included women and children. Children were even forced to aid in killing their parents, then forced to live with the rebels making them unadoptable because it would be unsafe to raise one of them. Also rebels have no problem cutting off the legs and arms of children no more then 6 months old. Schools would often be closed or delayed due to shooting and other forms of warfare. All of this is done, she explained, to prevent the people from organizing and reinstating a new government. It sickened me. The last part of her speech she showed a clip from a news show that depicted a young man trying to convince rebel soldiers not to kill him. He was no older then 20 and was explaining that he was fishing to get food for his family because that was his job, but for one reason or another they decided they would kill him. The man knew he was going to be killed and begged for his life, desperately explaining and trying to convince them not to kill him. The soldiers laughed a little and kept shoving him down the street away from people and as he turned to walk they shot him in the back, mid-sentence and he died on the street. I can't imagine living in such hell. I don't like knowing that the world can be like that. American's are especially ignorant to what goes on in the world and I am no exception.

2002-10-31T15:04:00.000-06:00

Ahhh I am taking a sigh of relief because my papers for this week are finally done. It doesnt matter much because I have another one due next week and pretty much every week after that until the end of the semester. One paper at a time though, at least I can sleep in tomorrow:) I take pleasure in the little things and sleep is definitely one of them. I also take pleasure in good mexican food. Living in Indiana I am definitely missing out on that. The first thing I am going to do when I get home is go to my favorite mexican restaruant and get 2 cheese enchiladas with rice and beans and an obsecene amount of chips and salsa. I am drooling on the keyboard just thinking about it.

2002-10-29T23:16:00.000-06:00

School has been kicking my ass lately. Just this week I have a 40 minute presentation, an annotated bibliography with 12 sources for one class, an annotated bibliography of 10 sources in another and I have to hand out my survey's so I can attempt to learn SPSS on Thursday. I HATE not understanding an assignment. Every Monday I look forward to Fridays. The good news is that there is only about a month and a half left until winter break. A year left of school and I am done with school for good:)

2002-10-28T08:48:00.000-06:00

In my apartment our toliet is connetected through the wall to the next apartments toliet. So sometimes when I sit down to do my business if the guy in the apartment sits down at the same time, the toliet shakes as he sits. It is really quite disturbing. You can actually literally see the toliet move if you are in the bathroom at the same time. All I can say is ewwwwwwwww!

2002-10-27T21:12:00.000-06:00

I just got back from Detroit and I noticed that my ads were gone! Does anyone know anything about this...? I was a cop for Halloween this year, dont make me get my guns and handcuffs out and do a little detective work:) ( I may have gotten a hot tip from a miss wendi grate about this case...a confession is encoruaged however.)
I had a good weekend and noticed several things while I was gone. The first is that since my trip cross country and taking trips around here I have noticed that every city I have ever been to has a very distinct atmosphere. It is so interesting to me to go to new places and meet new people. I am finally really grasping how sheltered I had been. Sure I had traveled all over California, but California can only give you so much variety. I have yet to find that place that feels like home to me, but I am much more aware of what does not. I used to assume that I would never leave that state and here I am in Indiana. Although I wont be living here after I graduate, I am very thankful for this experience. It has sparked my desire to travel and experience as many new things as possible.
The other thing I noticed was that the more east I have gone, the more preppy and pretty the guys get. We went to several bars and my friend vicki and I were trying to figure out how people seemed different. All the guys seemed to have lost individuality. They were all in dark muted colors, turtleneck sweaters and desiel type jeans and some type of expensive shoes that I probably couldnt pronounce. Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, "but Kasey, you live in Indiana, surely there are some men in Indiana who arent pretty and preppy". Well it seems like you are either the latter or you are trashy. What all these states and cities are missing are my hot california boys who surf and skate and have tattoo sleeves and make me drool. Maybe not always the best boyfriend material, but always nice to look at. I just dont feel as attracted to the boys out here. Maybe I need to open my mind a little, or maybe I just need to stop thinking about a certain boy.

2002-10-24T10:25:00.000-05:00

Oh and I turned on the movie Love Story when I couldnt sleep and bawled my eyes out. That movie is so sad!

2002-10-24T10:22:00.000-05:00

I have been having bouts of insomnia lately for some reason. I have never had trouble sleeping before but recently I have been waking up in the middle of the night and I am not able to fall back asleep. I woke up at 2:45 this morning and was thirsty so I went downstairs to get some water and when I laid back down I couldnt sleep. I didnt feel tired at all. I tossed and turned for about an hour then gave up and turned on the tv hoping that some boring informercial would put me to sleep. I think that I was watching deep space nine or one of those shows. I wasnt still wasnt tired after that, so I chnged the channel and watched all the breaking news about the sniper case. At about 5 am I decided to go ahead and get ready so I took a shower and made scrambled eggs with hot dogs and then got ready to go teach. When I was trying to sleep I noticed I kept thinking about weddings for some reason and the toasts I would make a various friends weddings. How odd is that. I have something on my mind, where is Freud when you need him?

2002-10-22T22:38:00.000-05:00

I have decided that I want to graduate a semester earlier then originally intended. As scared as I am to actually be in the "real world" to have a career and to be an actual adult, I am only putting off the inevitable. The sooner I get out there the sooner I can start making money and taking the next step in my life. I am hoping that they let me speed things up a bit so I can graduate next fall instead of next summer. Wendi is planning on moving to Oregon and I think I may join her there. Beautiful scenery, no sales tax and its a lot closer to home then I am now. Sounds like a plan:)

2002-10-22T15:41:00.000-05:00

I got bit by the Target bug today too. Went in for some Halloween candy for my students and picked up a hat and snow boots and warm up pants and...mostly neccesary items. I should buy some Target stock with all the money I put into that place. I saw a pair of those pajamas that are all one piece and have built in little booties and they zip up in the front...they only had children sizes but I would love to have those pajamas. Sure I would look like a total dork but they are comfortable and warm. So far I havent had to turn the heat on in my apartment but one of these days its going to snow and I am going to be freeeezing.

2002-10-21T20:51:00.000-05:00

I am watching Count of Monte Cristo yet again. That man is so damn sexy. I need to stop watching happy ending movies though, I am already too jaded at any romantic propspect. I always hear stories from people about being broken hearted and how devesating that is and I am happy that I havent experienced such sharp excruciating pain. The lonely pain I feel isnt sharp, but it is dull and throbbing and never goes away. I go to bed with it everynight and sometimes I think I would rather have the pain that goes along with that happiness instead of the lack of emotion I feel now...is it better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all???

2002-10-21T13:57:00.000-05:00

I am happy that I am alive.

2002-10-20T19:39:00.000-05:00

I just ate a scoop of pumpkin pie ice cream that was delicious. I am really looking forward to the holidays this year. I will be here in Indiana for Thanksgiving but when I go home for christmas and my mom makes peanut butter balls and molasses cookies, I am drooling already. I am craving oranges right now too. I have been all about food this weekend for some reason. I lost my ID card so I couldnt go to the gym this weekend and for some reason when I dont work out I eat a lot worse. I think I am just bored and when I am bored I eat.
Note to self, get new ID card tomorrow so you dont become a lard ass!

2002-10-19T17:15:00.000-05:00

I am feeling a little better about what happened to Boomer yesterday. I went and sat by the river to think about things and a guy with his black dog came walking down the path which just reminded me of how much Boomer would have loved to play in the water here. It as a little hard but I think its good to have a good cry now and then. A new concept I am trying to embrace since showing my emotions has always been a difficult thing for me to do. It looks like my family is going to adopt a new dog or puppy from the pound when the time is right. Haley really needs another dog to be around since she will be alone all day. It makes me feel good to think that at least we could save another dogs life since we couldnt save Boomers. I am like Wendi in that I would love to adopt all the homeless dogs of the world if I could. I think people who think they arent animal people just dont realize how happy a pet can make them. I would love to have a dog of my own here but I am not ready for that yet. I wouldnt be able to give it the attention it deserves and I dont think it would be fair to drag a dog around with me as I decide where I want to settle down.
I hope wendi gets a picture of her new addition to her family up soon. She saved a little kitten from being euthenized. Her name is Zoe and she sounds like a sweetie. I am not a cat person myself but Zoe is a lucky cat:)

2002-10-18T19:03:00.000-05:00

I talked to my mom this morning and found out that my dog Boomer was hit and killed my a car this morning. I know dogs are pets and not human, but when I found out I was devestated. Everyone thinks their dogs are the best but Boomer was the sweetest and happiest dog I had ever seen. He thought everyone was his best friend and expected everyone to love him, and they did. Everytime I would come home from being gone a long time he would wag his tail and when I started to pet him he would start moaning loudly. It always made me happy to come home because he always made me feel like he was so excited to see me and would try to talk to let me know. He always acted like he was starved for attention even though that was as far from the truth as you could get. Him and his sister Haley would get two walks a day and if anyone was home they were inside sleeping on the couch. If you ever stopped petting him he would nudge your hand roughly or throw his enormous paw up and keep hitting you with it until you started petting him again. He loved being around people, especially my mom. The dogs are my moms adopted children, the happiest I see her is when she is playing with them. She walks up in the morning for them.
It broke my heart that Boomer was hit and killed in front of my mom. She blames herself for what happened because she didnt have them on a leash. To me there is nothing worse then to see my mom in any sort of pain and it will take awhile for her to get over this. Poor Haley is walking around not knowing what to do without him. This is the first time since I have moved to Indiana that I have wanted badly to go home. It is difficult not being able to drive home for a few hours to be there for my mom. I wish I would have paid the dogs more attention before I left. I was so busy I dont even remember if I hugged them and said bye. I just assumed they would be there when I came home. It probably sound silly to some people that it upsets me so much but if you ever had a pet you know how they become part of the family. I am really going to miss Boomer greeting me when I go home:(

2002-10-16T00:29:00.000-05:00

Sign posted at a local christian college: "Bad girls, bad girls whatcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when jesus comes for you"

2002-10-14T20:58:00.000-05:00

I just saw Regis on Larry King Live and they started serenading each other. Frightening, very frightening.

2002-10-14T20:45:00.000-05:00

Oh and this morning I had to scrape ice off of my windshield. Oiy!

2002-10-14T20:39:00.000-05:00

I just bought my plane ticket to go home for Christmas. It is going to be so nice to go home again and see my family and my friends and my dogs. I miss those nuts. I havent been home sick since I have been here which I am happy about but I do miss them and being in my own home. I never feel like the apartments I live in are really mine. Not because I only rent them but because I live in them with other people. No matter who you live with, when you live with someone else who have to adjust your behavior a bit to accomodate your roomate. Sometimes I like to get out of the shower and walk downstairs to get something to drink or dance around naked( I could do other naked things but currently there is no one to do them with so thats not an issue), but I cant really do that if my roomate is here or if I dont know when she will be home. Sometimes its nice when you are lonely and want to talk to someone, but its really a pain in the ass most of the time. If I get in a mood where I just want to be alone and not see someone or listen to someones problems or to just be able to relax in silence, I cant do those things. I am going to be really happy to live alone next year.
I am also excited about flying, I love planes. I am in awe that I can be so high in the air and be able to look down on everything. I think I actually prefer flying dreams to sex dreams, although the gap may be narrowing as sex becomes increasingly rare. I think there are now more of those white albino buffalo then times I have had sex this past year. Anyway I always request a window seat. Whenever I become financially stable and have lots more money coming in I think it would be fabulous to get my pilots license.

2002-10-13T01:36:00.000-05:00

I just got back from a bachlorette party in Indy. It was fun, I havent danced in a really long time so I enjoyed myself. I got hit on too which was nice but I just couldnt see myself with this guy so I didnt give him my number. I spent way too much money too because I was not aware that you had to spend 20 dollars to use a card and I didnt have any cash. Bah. So now I am going to my room to snuggle up alone in my blankets and get some sleep. I am getting a little tired of this alone business...

2002-10-10T18:48:00.000-05:00

The cold is improving slightly. I am drugged up on sudafed and a little hyper at the moment actually. I got a new used couch today too. The futon just wasnt cutting it. When you sat on it it was like there was no pad at all and so you could feel the bar between your cheeks. Yow! So my friend Tracey gave me his old one. Its ugly as hell but real comfortable and cozy which is what is most important in a couch. I think our living room contains every color imaginable now.

2002-10-10T01:34:00.000-05:00

It's about 1:30 in the morning and after attempting to sleep I realized it wasnt going to happen because I cant stop coughing when I lay down. It would be very convienient if I was able to sleep sitting up but I keep sliding off to the side when I try. So I reluctantly walked downstairs and made myself some tea with honey and turned on the tv. The Exorsist is on so that should entertain me until I can sleep again.
I think that we should think of more creative ways to punish criminals. For example, making them sit down and watch hours of Old Navy commericials. I think after being put through that hell I would do anything to never again be punished. I really despise those things and think whoever created them should be shot, run over by a train and eaten by birds for subjecting innocent people to that crap and getting the song stuck in my head. God damnit.

2002-10-07T21:19:00.000-05:00

Its getting cold here, I can start wearing beanies again:)

2002-10-06T20:30:00.000-05:00

I just got back from a movie. Let me tell you what great things movies are. For 2 hours I sit in the dark not worrying about my underwear sticking out the top of my pants or a little roll of fat protruding over my pants. I have a huge Dr. Pepper and beautiful bag of buttery popcorn that I will share if its big enough. Then I watch beautiful people on the screen living their perfect lives and I once again have hope that maybe I too will have a beautiful life. These people are no better then me after all. Better skin, hair and bodies yes. Better clothes definitely. More sex, without a doubt. But underneath all of those pleasures they are just like me and no different. And although I dont believe this fantastic life will ever be mine and I make snide remarks to my friends about how lame and unrealistic it is, I still picture myself in the place of the the girl that gets the sweet, intelligent, funny and handsome guy at the end. After all, without hope for a better future, I might as well be dead today:)

2002-10-05T16:32:00.000-05:00

I am sitting here drinking hot chocolate trying to soothe my sore throat. The tea didnt work and neither did the sudafed. I am not desperate enough to take the cough drops yet. I find cough drops to be the most revolting thing in the world. Just the smell of them on someone else's breath makes me sick to my stomach. I would rather be in pain everytime I swallow. I wish I would have had my tonsils removed when they still did that. I am a huge baby when I get a sore throat, I turn into a man. I am having trouble staying awake too, I just keep falling asleep. It is like I have narcolepsy. I am glad it is the weekend and not during the week that I am feeling like this though.
On a completely different note I was watching Oprah yesterday about a woman who I want to say is from Africa but I am really not sure, that is being looked for right now so she can be buried up to her neck and stoned to death. What horrible crime did she commit to deserve this punishment? Well she got pregnant outside of marriage. The show went on to tell stories of women all over the world that have experienced a fate much like this woman. They showed a woman that had acid thrown on her from her husband. She was horribly disfigured and had to raise her children without any help from anyone and without any help from their father because she was forced to sign a paper obsolving him from any resposibilty when she was drugged and in incredible pain at the hospital. Honor killings is another form of horrible injustice that women are forced to endure. It absolutely sickened me to hear these stories. I have heard about incidents such as these throught my life and although they have always greatly bothered me to hear, this time it just affected me more then it ever had before. It is a disgusting part of humanity that needs to be abolished. It does make me feel incredibly lucky to have the life I have today. You can go to Oprah.com or the website of women for women international to find out what you can do to help these women out.

2002-10-04T23:14:00.000-05:00

I am very proud and happy for my friend Jay, his band Pointswest is finally getting some much deserved attention. I would encourage everyone to check out their website and download some of their songs http://pointswest.net I believe they are going to have a new cd out sometime soon and they are working on going on tour with the band Sponge so if they come to your area you have to go see them! Also Jay is adorable and sweet so that doesnt hurt either:)

2002-10-03T20:31:00.000-05:00

I had a really busy day and I am super tired. I woke up and listened to 3 hours of speeches that were both wonderful and terrible. They are improving but then I had 4 jackasses not even show up. It is their grade, but I would like to see them all do well. Then I busted my ass to write a paper that was due tonight because I procrastinated as long as a possibly could. That system works well for me though. I got my first paper back today too and I got an A and I wrote that a few hours before class too. So I was in a great mood and then a spider decided to bite me for no apparant reason. Not only did it bite me though, it bite me on an open wound! I got a blister today on the back of my ankle from the shoes I was wearing and apparantly the spider was attracted to the juciness. I promptly ended its life in a rage. We got out of class early today too so I could go home and watch friends. I believe it is now time for dinner so I will go order a pizza and finally get some much needed sleep.

2002-10-02T09:27:00.000-05:00

It is cloudy, rainy and cool today. I love days like this, its beeeauuutiful.

2002-10-01T17:32:00.000-05:00

I have somehow managed to alientate several of my friends this week and have spent several days feeling guilty about it. I seem to always be the one to break down and apologize, even if I really dont need to just so I can get the relationship back to the way it was. Well I am tired of feeling like shit and beating myself up over this when my friends should be more understanding. I think maybe it is starting to depress me that I am so far from home and my friends and family. I am really happy to be getting my masters and I am on my way doing what I set out to do, but it gets kind of lonely sometimes.

2002-09-30T20:08:00.000-05:00

Ok I know I have been posting a lot lately and maybe one person (wendi poo) is probably reading it, but this I have to get off my chest. After posting that I was really happy I became really frustrated and hurt. I was talking to my friend Chris about a family friend of mine that found out that they were really sick and probably dying. A few years ago his best friend was killed so I thought that out of all people he would best understand how I was feeling. Well instead of offering me any real sympathy or understanding, he basically told me that I should be happy that I get the chance to say good-bye. I agree that I am fortunate to have that opportunity, but as I went on to talk about people I went to high school with that died of cancer or by other means and how I felt it was something that someone our age shouldnt have to deal with, he went on a pantry list of all the bad things that he has seen. He pretty much made me feel like the bad things that have happened to him are somehow more valid then the bad things that I have seen. I understand that I havent had a lot of terrible things happen to me, but he always seems to make me feel guilty about it. Its like I should always be happy because this certain thing or that certain thing hasnt happened to me. I feel like I can never be sad about anything or ever complain because I have it good or something. I think this is especially difficult for me because I have always hid my emotions from people so for me it feels risky to express them, and when I do and they get shot down it just makes me want to retreat even farther. ..(I will find out about my friend at the end of the week )

2002-09-30T15:59:00.000-05:00

I am very happy right now. One Ms. Wendi Grate has promised to come see me for Thanksgiving. Now I dont have to take the pity invite from my stalker Tracey and her family. I am also very excited to see my Wendi poo, I havent seen her in months. I think we are going to be brave and try the whole turkey thing and see how that works out. I am sure we will have lots of pictures to post. We are also going to get trashed and play in the snow. It will be a fun time had by all! On another festive note, I am going to go to a pumpkin patch Saturday! I havent been to a pumkin patch in such a long time. Probably elementary school when they bused us there. Lately if I get a pumpkin its from the grocery store which isnt nearly as fun. I want to drink some hot apple cidar and wander around until I find the perfect pumpkin. I am actually going to experience fall for the first time too, since there are no seasons in California. The leaves are already starting to turn orange here. Although you wouldnt know it today because its in the 80's. I am getting sick of tank tops though and want to pull on a warm sweater and have a bowl of soup or something. Ask me in February though and I will tell you that I wish it were summer already:)

2002-09-29T16:02:00.000-05:00

2002-09-29T13:39:00.000-05:00

Well so much for the quiet office. Apparantly they are having some type of auditions in the basement aka dungeon right now so there are theater people spilling out in the halls directly outside my door, practicing their lines, singing, yelling, talking loudly and otherswise being obnoxious. I wish I could turn my hearing off and on when I wanted to.

2002-09-29T12:50:00.000-05:00

First off thanks everyone for saying hello, and hello to you too. I had to get away from my roomate and her football games so I went to my office err dungeon that we like to call an office. It is quiet and anouncer free though so it will do. It has recently been brought to my attention that in general most people's first impression of me is not a favorable one. Apparantly everyone here thought I was snobby or bitchy when they first saw me. These people are my friends now, but I dont like the fact that just about everyone thought that. Some people said that it might have to do with the fact that I was from California and they just assumed that everyone from California thinks that they are better then the rest of the country. The other first impressions people have said were that I look like I like to party and that I look like I am 18. So I look like and 18 year old snob that likes to party. Ironically thats the type of girl I really dislike. I guess it goes to show how off base first impressions of a person can really be. Well at least I can use the part of me looking snobby and bitchy as an excuse as to why guys never approach me when I go out:) Its better then thinking that I am just hideously ugly! It doesnt solve any problems though because if I just have that look about me I really cant change that. On the other hand I am not really looking to score any boys here so mabe its a good thing. I have heard that its tough to have to fend off multiple suitors and I just simply wouldnt have the time:)

2002-09-28T19:18:00.000-05:00

Perhaps an introduction is in order. If you dont know anything about me, then here is a brief decription. I am 22 and currently a resident of the state of Indiana. This is quite an adjustment for me being born and raised in California, but we get out of experiences what we put into them and I am getting as much out of this as possible. You are probably wondering what has brought me to Indiana in the first place. The answer to that is that I am attending grad school and getting my masters in organizational communication. So, for the next two years Indiana will be my home and after that, who knows. Grad school was a last minute idea for me, I dont like to have my future planned out in advance. It is much more interesting to see where life takes you. I would describe myself as a laid-back nonchalant. Some of my likes include snacking on dry cereal, taking long drives, massages, pajama pants, playing cranium, reading, staying in with friends on the weekends, red wine, funny boys, Conan and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Dislikes would be long toe nails, underwear that sticks out of your pants, mexican food in Indiana, intellectual snobs, dissapointment, flakes and blisters. Now that you know a little more about me, maybe you will stick around to hear more. So, until we meet again, enjoy life!